You allowed us to believe that you were crucified as it gave us the sense of knowing and seeing you as the Son of God. This was the only thing that we were able to accept at this time. Not the truth but an illusion, a form of the truth which allows us to see you as being a bridge to Our Father. You even referred to God as your Father which allowed us to accept Him without fear. This was a giant step forward from the belief in sacrificing animals for our salvation, even though that had been a giant step of belief in their time.
It is time to move on again and the concept of a dream world has been introduced.
I want so to understand what is Truth but as You say, I am incapable of accepting what is true, I am still only capable of seeing You in symbolic stories and illusive dreams, and forced to believe in these symbols, one step at a time, as I lay one down and move forward to the next. What I feel that I am experiencing is not a dream but it has been all that I am able to accept, and although I have only been aware of the belief in the dream state for a short time, I find myself very unsatisfied and long to move on to a deeper understanding.
It seems that believing in symbols would be harmful but God is Who and What He is and what I believe Him to be is not going to change Him in any way regardless. However I see Him, symbolically, is my truth for this moment and cannot change what God is or who we are in any way. We accept as much as we allow ourselves to accept and then we wait until we are ready to move forward again.
Dreaming? No I am not asleep. I do need to wake up from something, but what it is I do not know yet. This should be ok with me but it’s not. This state of being has no security, I have a need to KNOW Who and What God is and Who I am. This driving force keeps me in a state of unrest. I know everyone keeps talking about following the peace but for some reason that has never worked for me. I am always pushing…pushing…searching for more…never satisfied, and I feel as if I never will be satisfied until I fully understand, or at least understand more than I understand now. Always needing to know more.
But yet I feel that this is good. I have come from believing in a Hebrew God of vengeance, to believing that God’s Only Begotten Son was crucified for my sin, to believing that I have not sinned, I have just mistakenly chosen this dreamlike state in which I need to be awakened in order to remember my original beginnings. All of these beliefs, symbolical though they may be, are relatively safe as each leads me further toward accepting Truth. Basically because I never quite buy them as being completely true which keeps me constantly seeking.
So as I see pictures of Jesus on the cross, I understand the need to believe and find security in that belief, I’ve been there. I remember how desperate I was to have a savior that I could believe could rescue me from the state that I was in and of course from the ever present belief in the hell fire and damnation that I had heard so many preachers screaming about. For that belief in Jesus as my savior, I am thankful.
Then to understand that the belief in sin was man’s idea not God’s took me even a step further, which I desperately needed to finally relieve myself of guilt. For this belief I am thankful. But now it’s time to move forward again, knowing that the next step is not my final destination, not even close, but that’s ok, I’ll get there, I don’t know when, but I’ll get there. The Kingdom of God is not going anywhere.
2011 10 01